Don't give yourself up

carry t world into the next summer

show me the world inside your head, show me the world , pull me to the other side, don't prevent us from damage just pull all the way through to our shores

Fear is Death

All that's left for you is doubt

Wanting meaning wanting more, than the same things Wanting everything just to start at the ending I've found another face to show Just because what you say is what will go 

I've hit the wall, all thats left for you is doubt

Let go, let out

Before you let go you must allow yourself to hold on.
Why is it so hard to be honest to yourself, why are you always taken over by the fear, and lie to yourself? Why is it so hard to let out what wants to come out on its own

Lilikoi

I want to be a lilikoi, Boy Lilikoi
You grind your claws, you howl, you growl unafraid of Hoi Polloi
You run, you're free, you climb endless trees - You reignite
You growl, you howl, you show your teeth
You bite, it's alright

Infected World

Smoking gun in midair
falling into what smells like a putrescent dark pond of nameless depth
Leaving a stench that, hand in hand with empty life
withdraws enough energy to knock you off, feeble bones
like a fucked up fish in the desert

May be

foxy dolphis, swimmin in an endless sea

Dinge werden bewertet. ALLES wird bewertet.
Alles verliert an Bedeutung. Bewertung tötet das Leben. Liebe.

If I could prove my heart was bigger than my ego

Forgive yourself for everything that makes you "wrong". Don't start that war with yourself. You'll loose it if you're lucky, or if you're unlucky: Get lost. Loose everything.

How to make yourself unhappy

It's so easy to make personal luck dependend on another person.

Peg people

You are so intelligent, but you use to generalize to peg people into something. Don't forget that you're talking about a human, they carry eternity in themselves.

Fly, Schätzchen.

Life is no forced marriage

The problem is not that you tell me your opinion, the problem is when it's not your own.

Screening Smoke

 

"It's the sense of touch. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

(Film: L.A. Crash)

JustTalking

You like to slender? You must be really unhappy.

Extend my boundaries

J: "I don't know how to feel anymore."
R: "You don't have to know."
J: "I don't understand."
R: "You will."
J: "There is no wrong."
R: "You have grown."
J: "Not enough. Extend my boundaries."
R: "Bursts, they'll knock us down."








"How are you? How did you sleep?" - "Slept too long to go to school. I don't know how I am." I miss something, that's how I am.

To your world, is our world

Is it you, is it me, I'ma do it by entering your world I know how to act, I know how to feel Around you, about you, how do you feel? Can I wake up next to you? Will you wake up next to me? Tomorrow, forever and ever, I don't know.. Will you stay right here? Will you go away? I feel lost, I feel safe I don't know where to belong To you, to me, to my world, to your world
I'ma a feel left out when you feel left out

Why am I like that?

Why do certain people act weird? Because they don't want to be robots.

Because they need an outlet for their misunderstood feelings and sensations. Because they need a way to express themselves between people who haven't seen yet what they mean. Because it's madness what soothes, because it makes your frustration visual. Frustration shouldn't let you suffer. Acting weird is a way to turn that frustration into fun. Trying to explain people what this is all about (example: "You ask why I laugh all the time without a reason? I laugh about myself and about the world. Isn't it a gift to be born. This world is an illusion! I could eat hotdogs on a Sunday's mornin in New York standing on top of a skyscraper, in my left hand a Caipirinha and watching the sun rise in brightest colours from the horizon.") ends in following response:

1) a long drawn-out "okeeeey?" like: I-just-heard-you-talking-weird-stuff-and-I-neither-know-what-you-mean-nor-do-I-take-you-serious

2) a distracted "hm-hm" that says I-don't-bother-I-have-long-given-up-trying-to-understand-you

3) "No, I wouldn't like to eat hotdogs in the morning" 

You have missed the point! Oh dear! Frustration building up! See through the madness people! IT's not the madness! It's me! It's the world! And I end up throwing pearls into the deep sea where they are never found again, I'm wasting it!

"You're describing those demons, how they are black... but mine are not like that..."

"Du darfst deine Seele nicht der Wirklichkeit aussetzen, wenn du sie nicht erträgst." - "Ich kann nicht halb leben."
 "Denker und Richter seid ihr, aber keine Menschen."
"Findest du das Maß doch immer in dir selbst."

(Friedrich Hölderlin: Hälfte des Lebens)

Deny love

Each time I tried to deny love, I epically failed. That's why I know it's love.

"Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. (...) You loved me - then what right did you have to leave me?" (Brontë)

Wishes put on racks

"It was just laid in a room to those things who need time and will probably never used again. It is a hopeful, naiive room with lots of dreams and wishes put on racks. Some of the things end up in closets. There they are the safest. I put yours in the closet."
Take me out! Into sunshine!
I run ber-serk with you, while carrying you, because it won't stop

Ah, you perfectly understand.

Put it like you want and where you want, everybody puts it somewhere somehow else.

Let your razors in your pockets.

but tell me all about their shapes.

I see you

Do you know why you can't break my heart? Because I admire your devil.
Heavily.

About left behind, not being able to keep up, looking back, being ahead wishing we would still be on the same page.

I can't expect people to be like me or to keep up with my growth and fall, because everyone has his own path and we will always be different in what we learn, also in our talents. But sometimes you realize that you are disappointed all the time. You love them, but you are still alone. They won't show you the loyalty and openness you CRAVE for. You are not on the same page anymore. You have become stronger than your friend, in your own way. And it could be that your friend has become stronger than you in another way, but you don't see it. Although your sympathy hasn't changed, you know that you two won't be able to give each other what you really need. And that just makes me sad.

I'm not satisfied with a friendship when I somehow really love this person but can't get through, can't get the 100% friendship I dream of. It's mean to expect love ones to fulfill that, and I cherish them anyway! But though...So good to see that I'm lacking something. That gives me the precious ability of falling in love at once with people in whom I see what I search for. And I also appreciate the real friends that I won't forego anymore, not for anything.

Beginning

You can't

I dreamed of death. Death was in my arms. I whispered I love you. I saw death taking over what I loved. I had to accept. I didn't. I woke up in horror.
And then it didn't fade because I knew if things go on like that, I might soon see death, and it already is there. It comes slowly. It hurts.
I realize my nightmare is reality. Like the dream prepared me for reality. I begin to see that dreams are part of my reality. Not the first time I dreamed it. It wil haunt me until I finally don't have to dream it anymore. Whatever that means.

And you can't force people to make a turn if you love them - even when they are heading into personal hell. You see loved ones destroying themselves and sacrificing themselves in front of your eyes. You can't imagine how the world would look without them. First you'd only see darkness, I guess.

the fun

Sometimes you seem to fall and fall, and out of a sudden the world looks gray. It's because you have forgotten the dreams, the possibilities and the fun. On the surface, it seems hard, but behind all, remind yourself, behind the whole game of life, there is the fun of it.

Demian

Meine Geschichte ist nicht angenehm, sie ist nicht süß und harmonisch wie die erfundenen Geschichten, sie schmeckt nach Unsinn und Verwirrung, nach Wahnsinn und Traum wie das Leben aller Menschen, die sich nicht mehr belügen wollen.

Afterall

I feel a certain taste on my tongue. It's new. I know what a taste that is. It's fresh and old, the bitter flavour mixed with life and sadness. There is joy and a heaven's memory, a long sequence of time full of hope that is put to sleep. There is want, will and need, there is longing, a gentle breeze of summer and sea. Salt, sweat and beer. Cigarettes, the difference of alcohol. Disgusting wet hair. Hands of scars. Glowing suns and selfhatred. Manipulation, lies, sickness, death. Tiny bit of future and letting go. A bird with brightest wings with a complex because it believes in its incompetence of flying. A human, not a body, it's a human. A taste of goodbye. An afterall. New friends. An ending era. Deepest sorrow. Unspoken words, unlived realities, another love. Another story intertwining. Choked smiles, tears, trembling. Fears big enough to kill. Best wishes and stupid distances. Strong arms to leave. It's a frostic, metallic smell and taste. It intensifies when I inhale thorugh my nose, because then it sparkles on my tongue at a certain point. I still see the reflection on my face, in my features. He's there. Above all, there is knowing. That this was true and won't end or somebody dies, and even stil, even then.

Deep down

I can bury, but my subconscience rules.

I didn't say that it's ok. I said "I know."

It's not broken. It was just laid in a room to those things who need time and will probably never used again. It is a hopeful, naiive room with lots of dreams and wishes put on racks. Some of the things end up in closets. There they are the safest. I put yours in the closet. I hope no one finds it and rips it out. Because what consequences would that have. I feared it all along, and it happened in some tiny moments. Now it'll be permanent (I hope, it's not for too long), it intensifies. If I don't let it, I can't deal with it. The big part goes numb. And it's ok. It's ok.

It's all in your head

Break free, idiot! After a decade of trying, good job, but not good enough, go on, there are no chains. All the problems are in your head.

not without

Visit great places. Much harder than finding some money is finding the right people. Without friends your travels won't be what the're supposed to be. Without friends the world is so much darker.

Chucks

Chucks (I don't mean the nickname, I mean the animal) sleep when winter comes. It is very unfortunate that inside me there is a chuck that begins to feel like losing energy when winter comes and just wants to sleep. It's been years and always the same. It begins to get colder and chuck wants to climb in a huge bed and find it warm and cozy for the next three months. With the begin of February it is okay to slowly wake up, but in between, it's just much too cold. I already miss the warmth and feel the cold. I wish I'd be more of a wolf who stays warm in winter. Maybe I just need one to give me warmth every day. Maybe he's just too far right now. So I should find the sun somewhere else: Inside me.

Als ich ein Kind war, sagte man mir, dass Angst lebensnotwendig ist. Angst verhindert, dass man sich und anderen Schaden zufügt.
Zehn Jahre später lernte ich, dass Angst dazu (ver)führt, sehr sehr dumme Dinge zu tun und dass man damit sich und anderen Schaden zufügt.
Ich wage zu behaupten, dass ein denkender Mensch keine Angst braucht um zu überleben. Dass er im Gegenteil erst ohne Angst richtig leben würde.

Realisation

some time ago

Who are you?

Dear friend

I miss myself a little between all those creatures. There are some I am fond of and would like to hug. But sharing universe where love is. That's it.

Empty

I feel empty.

This is DNA in a certain phase. DNA is very small, but it seems endless. Depressing and wonderfull at the same time. This picture is as weird as you can feel weird. So lethargic that it could make me smile a little bit, although my smile won't untangle that mass of ravel.

Why do we feel empty. We're so full of that. Pathetic...

W

R

I

T

I

N

G

Mom?
There's a universe ready to explode in every one of us! Tragic: Half of humanity doesn't know it.

You

feels like you, f.

I SAW

I can't take my heart off you.

I wonder why we can't

I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing. I could understand if you told me. You leave me, literally, in the dark, while I feel that you are there, in the dark, too. Silly, two people in the dark, but alone. Don't be mad at me because I lose myself in speculations about you and me. They are the only thing that's left when we don't speak to each other. And I hate them. I hate speculation and I hate analysis, it destroys it all. Let's speak.

If I hurt you, then I hurt myself. Maybe it is because we two are candidates for feeling down and selfdestruction. Maybe my own words hurt me more than they hurt you, too.

We may both assume that the other one doesn't like our self anymore, or that the other one is fool, or that we ourselves are a fool. We may try to lose sight of the other one sometimes, just to find out if we're better that way. Maybe it is nothing about me. Maybe this whole thing is just about you.
What the hell is wrong.

How to shut up inside

My problem is thinking too much when I don't want. I don't neccessarily want to consciously think when I eat, when I ride my bike or when I wait for the next lesson in breaks. I sometimes just want to shut up outside and inside.

English has become my favourite thinking-blocker, because it collides with German.
Let your brain struggle with two languages you use like they both were your mothertongue.

It's mindfuck.

The strategy doesn't work if you don't want it to work, of course. Poorly, there are always some topics you can't stop thinking about because they are your sense of life. Don't shut them out. It's not worth it.

Trust life

Falling in love. I prepared to let him go. Then I let him go. There I had it: Lesson learned. Next thing to do: I measured, did I want to keep that status "independent"? Was this arrogance worth it? Did I want to give up? Did I want to distance myself from what I had just to keep myself from drowning? Otherwise, I could drown. There is a high risk of going under instead of swimming in your river.


Well, the question was: Did I want to stick to the surface? Or did I want to dive in?
I felt certain trust in life anyway. I had to change the principles.

Soulful

So you got emotional, hm?
So what?
World's end or what?
Love, boy! Life!

/by MCS

Love is not to be judged but trusted

I found love. How nice for me! Nobody wants to know.



It sounds crazy, but I am sure.We will be hurt. It is a normal thing to happen. The only question is if you accept that it is normal or if you drown in selfpity. I don't get anywhere judging whether what happens is good or bad, it just happens.

And there is trust all the way through. It is not the kind of trust you give somebody for not lying to you. It is another kind of trust. It is more basical. The trust that I was afraid to give has broken it's way free through all of my rigid ideals.

If I was there it would be fine

I got angry about imperfections. But my love hadn't become less through that, instead it had grown stronger.

If we would die, there only would be one thing left to say: How sorry I was for not being able to rule the world and make our souls one.

don't have a self-pity story. 
Your mind can kill. I won't kill.

Your decision

It is my decision to let myself feel what I feel;

I could kill it if I wanted
I could tear away what is deep inside
I could conceal
I could talk myself into disbelief,
I could tell myself I have imagined all this
I could deny everything

With some hand movements I could destroy hope, with a little inner work I could give it up. Because you kill from the inside.

But then I would kill my sense of life

There is the alternative. Accepting it all. Feel it all, not trying to supress anything. Swimming in the flowing, cold and warm river. Being ready to drown or get carried away with whatever, with the water, the fish, the snakes and the sun.
I have decided. I wonder if I really had a choice. But I think one always has.
Call me a masochist, but I want to feel. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad.

Somehow not ok

Somehow I am not ok
somehow I don't want to tell myself everything is ok
somehow I don't want to lie to myself

Sie bleiben

F R E U N D E
helfen dir über deinen Weg
weil sie ein Feuer in deiner Seele entfachen
weil du sie in dein Herz schließt
weil sie ihre Spuren hinterlassen
weil sie dich verändern, weil sie dich prägen
Sie werden ein Teil von dir
eine der wertvollsten
und wenn sie irgendwann nicht mehr an deiner Seite sind
dann bleiben sie in deinen Erinnerungen,
in deinem Gefühl,
und auch du kannst dir sicher sein
deine Freundschaft hat euch beide reifen lassen
und ihr werdet einander niemals vergessen.
Mehr Unsterblichkeit kann ein Mensch nicht erleben
Freundschaft ist irgendwo auch unbeschreiblich

The day was perfect
You somehow managed not to think about it
you keep yourself busy
and then it happens

your stomach cringes
your heart is a cramp
your lungs are frozen
and you fight the air in, breathing against the pain, how can breathing be so hard?

when you cry on the inside,
it's not less real than teardrops
it's much heavier if you can't let it go, can't let them out
there is practically nothing that you can do
you just watch
and you know you'll never forget, you'll always hope, you'll always love

T I M E
I count on time
I count on the lucky times
to live it up again
and again and again and again
I would have nothing against a forever

Keep my soul my head's not coming back.

Friendship and You

Dealing well with your own relationship?
It's the hardest thing to do, that's why many fail.

Joy in truth

Truth is so much fun
You don't have to fear the lies stabbing your back
It's a slap to the power of suprise that fear always brings
each and every time it's a new freedom

When you get through truth, you get through everything
wicked strength
truth is an adventure
and you can have it everyday, all the time along

Grow

In the end we will fall...
But maybe we will rise...

Seelen

Wenn du die Seele eines Menschen kennst, kannst du ihm dann böse sein?
Könntest du ihn hassen?

If you know the soul of a human, can you possibly be mad at him?
Could you really hate him?

Don't Cry. Dance.

I hope we never get old
When we know the world's on fire

I always learn things the hard, hardest way

Friends

Try to understand

Ganz

Ich fand in wenigen Stunden, wonach ich Jahre suchte.
Natürlich, Finden ist immer ein Moment.

Du willst es doch auch

Die Frage der meisten: Wie bleibe ich in den Köpfen der anderen?
Denn die Krankheit unserer Zeit ist die Sucht nach der Aufmerksamkeit der anderen. Daraus ziehen wir einen großen Teil unserer Energie.

Die Lösung der meisten: Ein perfektes Erscheinungsbild, hinter dem die Wahrheit verloren geht. Nicht die universelle Wahrheit, um die sich sowieso alle streiten, weil niemand sie jemals ergründen könnte. Sondern die persönliche. Unsere Wahrheit.

Egal, ob du zu den meisten gehörst oder zu den wenigen, die die Kunst begriffen und zu schätzen gelernt haben, ihre Energie aus anderen Dingen als Aufmerksamkeit zu ziehen, eine Regel gilt:
Du hinterlässt deine Spuren in den Köpfen, wenn du du selbst bist. Wenn du die Zwänge, die du meinst, von anderen zu spüren, von dir abschüttelst.
Wenn du sie mit deiner persönlichen Wahrheit konfrontierst, ohne etwas zurückzuhalten von dir, weil du meinst, die anderen würden es nicht verstehen. Wenn du es verstehst, deine innere Welt nach außen zu projizieren, wenn du versuchst, deine Träume in die Realität zu befreien. Und es dabei noch verstehst, deine eigene Welt nicht zu werten: Sie nicht für etwas peinliches, intelligentes, außergewöhnliches, schlechtes oder mickriges zu verkaufen versuchst. Weil du unerschütterlich an das glaubst, was du in dir trägst - denn wie könntest du daran zweifeln? Es ist das einzige, was du wirklich, nur du, besitzt, für deine Zeit auf der Welt.

Du bleibst in ihren Köpfen, weil sie dich nicht vergessen können.
Sie haben gar keine Chance.
Niemand vergisst das Wahre -
und es wird Menschen geben, die versuchen, es zu verdrängen.

Authenzität wird immer siegen.
Die, die meinen, mit ihrer Fassade zu siegen, werden ganz am Ende fallen.
Ich will kein bitteres Ende.
Ich kämpfe um jeden Tropfen des Echten.
Nur kann man das Echte nicht besiegen oder erobern: Nur das Falsche drumherum kann man zerschlagen. Oft ist es schade drum, denn es sah ja so schön aus.
Doch das darunter kann niemand zerstören.
Das Echte ist unzerstörbar.
Wenn man hinter all dem steht, was man sagt, was man macht, hinter jeder Bewegung sich selbst wiederfindet, sich eingesteht, wer man ist, und wer nicht. Dann kann einem niemand etwas tun.
Dann ist man stark, ohne anderen Energie abzuzocken, ohne sich diese Stärke eben von den anderen geklaut zu haben. Und deshalb ist man unangreifbar. Wer kann dich dann brechen?
Du weißt dann doch schon alle Fakten über dich.
Wer kann dich denn dann noch von hinten mit deiner eigenen Wahrheit erstechen?
Denn das ist es doch, woran wir kaputt gehen: An dem Monster in uns, dass uns das Echte verbietet, dass uns die Oberfläche schmackhaft macht und uns aufs Glatteis führt, wenn wir schwach werden und nicht aufpassen.

The Art Of Being A Fearless Child

I decided to reduce my lies to a minimum. I wouldn't say I stop lying. I'll never do. I shouldn't say never, because some unknown power would try to demonstrate me the opposite. But as life is, lies will always be part of it. Less the bigger ones, more the smaller ones, the ones you could say aren't important anyway.
You think lies hurt.
You think you act responsible because you lie to make life easier.
You say you lie to protect.
You say lies make life nicer.
I am radical. I want to know the truth. It doesn't matter in the slightest how hurting it is. It doesn't matter if it breaks up my whole view of the world. I want to know the very truth, the very very truth, because the truth is very simple.
Not lying at all makes your life simple, also. But first collect your strength and some ignorance, selfconfidence and calmness - don't let them disturb you...

DON'T EVER REGRET SAYING THE TRUTH, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MAKES TRUTH HURTING!
ACCEPTING THE TRUE FACTS, BUT NOT PUTTING THEM IN THE LIGHT OF VALUATION.

The fearless child feels what it wants and asks for it. It doesn't flinch away like a frightened lamb, it's innocent, because it doesn't differ between good and bad: It asks for his true will.

Who could know what you are capable of, in your best, in your worst?

Let's not be afraid of human depths.
Sometimes you are an angel, sometimes you are a devil.
Does it make you more or less worthy?
It makes you human.
Let's not be afraid of humanity.  
Let's not be afraid of nature.
Let's not be afraid of the unknown, let's be curious. And let's stop being too much of a sick human.

"Let's not be afraid of our own reflections."

Pure

when the lies broke down
I saw it how I had first seen it
without any expectations or inner hypes
saw those memories clearly and undistorted
and it came to me the fire was deeper than I had given myself credit for
the impact of a beautiful reality flooded my world
let my feet on the ground again
no confusion anymore

Disgusting curiosity

They ask, because they are bored. You answer, because you are nice.
They listen, because they get high on it.
It's too late - the moment you realize that. You want to stop.
Silence brings peace to you.
Decide on what you tell, it's yours. 
Your secret is your world.

Owning myself and learning that, again and again.

Happiness

Zwang und Freiheit

Restraint is a sin. It's a murderer. A cage that closes you in, closer, closer. It hurts - it scares you.
Messes with your mind. Messes with your heart. Provokes your demons.

Freedom is not a sin. You can take it before anyone gives it to you.
It burns in brightest flavours. You'll see the wildest shores. It's the beat of a thousand suns.
But restraint is easier. You'll miss it, first. That's because it has taken away your will.
Freedom. I tasted it once. In the end, I'll give everything for it.
I'll face the truth. I'll suffocate my lies.
For the first time my heart, mind and soul agree. Out of the very deepest. 
I AM NOT SCARED!

Restraint you must endure. Don't have to do anything for it. Freedom you must get to know before you learn to fly in it. Might need a bit of inrun. Freedom challenges all of your bravery. There are no compromises with it. You'll lose all your loved restraints!

You ready for freedom? Come with me.
I know you are a fierce runner.