stumbling across ugly parts.
i secretly admired the girl, but she got the job that i wanted. she is far more ambitious and has more skills. intimidation to the point of pain. a reflection i did not like. a strange defeat. i slowly accept, the heart opens, becomes lighter. my judgement was unjust. first and foremost, the girl is soulful.
no more of the smiles the mind thinks the mouth has to do, no more of the moves the mind thinks the body has to do, no more is the mind affected by the crowd, as the soul lays bare - this is you, fragile you, only the soul of you
unexpectedly came in, the soul, a silent entry
i suddenly feel how i felt as a toddler, as a child - overwhelmed by the world of existence / not by anybody, not by any people, but just by the existential feeling of existence
intimacy with the universe. intimate moments with big consciousness itself. i feel thrown into the world. it feels a bit cold and unhandy. i cannot do anything but exist. it is a miracle, forced upon me, but after a while, i got so incredibly fond of it. it took quite some time though for me to feel warm in the world. and now, the touch of an old feeling - of being thrown into this, a remembrance of how it felt then and a remembrance that I have still just been thrown - for the universe its a blip. i surrender, childlike, likewise any human of any age
yes, i surrender like a child to caring parents, such i surrender to existence
erlernte unkreativität
learned uncreativity
learned helplessness
learned rigidity, because it's tidy
petrified, paralyzed by thought streams only
all part of the automode
existential lifting the veil of automode , bare soul
