Dabrowski said, individuals fall apart.Woody Allen said, it's very hard to keep your spirits up. I don't know nothing but that's very true.

Spiritless surroundings are such a turn-off.

Hello, I am with you

When I met you I imagined how it would be to be a part of you, you all. Within the few weeks, through the fights and realisations and talks and laughs and jumps I became one of you. I can tell because you became one of me, I let you in. I have let you in and I don't want to miss it. It makes me feel so alive. I had to break down what I called professional ego. Now it is a balance between myself and you. I am not too far from you and near enough to feel good among you. It gives energy, now it doesn't take energy. Welcome in my heart, people.

Dignity

I don't want to please anybody and degrade myself doing it. I don't want to participate when all I my heart has to be barely hold against violence. I don't want to be the puppie of your will when this will is for nothing but for violence. I don't want to feel like this. I am searching for words to make the pain go away and I even catch some of these words, and I try hard, and push away the clouds. And then somebody sees how the beauty comes back and tries to manipulate again.
I try so hard not to waste myself and it feels like I am wasting myself. For people I don't even know. I am so afraid to say anything wrong. I don't want pain, or little senseless talks who will mean no good for you in a little while. I don't need false friends. I don't want war between two souls. I don't even want it on the surface.
I want harmony. I wanted to respect what I needed to do and what others needed to do for themselves without killing anything in their mates. And just when you reach that state, when others sense that you are happy, they can get ugly. They realise how miserable they feel. And you are the one to be blamed, even if what you did to be happy, had nothing to do with anybody else than you. And even if what you did didn't restrict anybody, not even possibly, in their emotions or freedom of action, thought, feeling, and this is most important, dignity.

Hearts & Leaving

They are your home. It tears you apart. Should have never left. Should have stayed. Being apart from them leaves a huge hole in my chest. Homesick. Really sick, my heart is sick.
I can't believe the time is gone. As if it died. As if time died. The time of your being, the time you have grown up, into, and finally out. That is homesickness. It's almost too much to bear. Lump in my throat. How could I ever leave. I haven't left at all, my heart's always there.

You are on a par with me and if not, it's naturally balanced afterwards. It never gets out of control completely. I love that about us.

After school

You step out of home. What you knew is gone. Your loved ones are gone in the way you used to know them. Your are gone. Your friends go away and you discover that you don't want to be friends with them, the weak bonds break. The structure of your day breaks. It is clear that all that is gone forever. You may get to know the rawest you. You may get so afraid you can barely move. You may get depressed. You are afraid to let go. You want to but can't but you have to. And in between you have to become clearer about your future. You have to fill the future on your own. If it doesn't work out, they will point the blame on you and you will give yourself the hardest judgement. You will fail and you will move on but it feels like scissors aiming at your soul. You realise probably twenty percent of what's happening but you're swimming in a felt nothing at times. Your eyes are blind, only in a few moments you can see.

It is a responsibility you have to fulfill without the safe harbour of your core, your center, that existed in your head when you were at school. Suddenly you have to bring up such an energy and you don't see it. You only see your failures although what you're doing is so big and new for you. For being you, you do such a good job. You can't see it, but you're doing such a good job. You are opening your heart and your head and you try to support others although the support from the outside that you used to know is gone.

There is another support. It is more open. Thousands of little flowers here and there. Even if you can't see now, you will. They are there.

The new surroundings have tamed me. I am looking for a way back home but I can't get back.

works

It was late at night, or it was in the middle of people, and you shared your knowledge and understanding with me. No matter how many "technical terms" and chain of thoughts I bombed you with, no matter how much I ended them in the middle of the sentence and jumped onto different trains of thoughts, you summed it up for me and followed me without any struggle. You didn't ask "what???", you didn't look at me like I was an alien, and yet you reacted like I expected. Calm, yet fierce in what you answered, completely focused on the topic. Debating with me about stuff that we just shared: About the world. It feels so familiar, and it is so precious. It feels common, but at the same time you fear that in one moment, it could be taken from you.

The best thing ever given

Suddenly you find yourself with an army of warriors of love. Behind you, next to you, around you, softly and wisely, in good and in bad times. Souls speak to you, and you stop hearing the mouths talking. Just the souls. Just the essence. Just the essence of a truth you always craved for. Here it is, the angels sing, here it is for you, and it's here for you, warrior, to be one of them, too. Here is your heart.

Escape to a calm warm place where food is. And no people. Almost none.

I am...

"It was simply too dangerous to my well-being to allow my sensitivity out into the open any more than I had to, so I tried to harden myself up. I got fairly good at it over time, good enough to survive through adolescence and into young adulthood, but I felt lost most of the time, and I was. That’s the inevitable price of denying any core element of who we are."

(Rick Belden)

Perplexed

Something utterly confuses me. I am extraordinarily perplexed. By what, please?

Maybe I feel lonely.