If you're wrong don't despair. Dig out the polyvagal theory, then say the pressure of shame drove you into blinding cognitive dissonance.

polite interaction set phrases

The structure of daily life and its hidden and visible lists demands the human to function in such a disciplined way. The brain is eager to fulfill the daily duties. 

It forgets the playfulness, the creativity, being lose, free from all the preformed patterns of behaviour. There is little space or energy left for the wildness to unfold. Somehow a soul stiffness creeps over me that shows in all the big and small moves, in my reactions, actions, voice and chest. 

Feelings are replaced by a clean orderliness, the primitive urges choked down, the deep connection to the core of my spirit is weaker. 

I want this right now. But I don't want to speak the tongue of empty, polite interaction set phrases and pale survival formula. 

The attention is everywhere, but not inside. My authentic heart, I need to focus on you.

 accept your nature

overactive mirror neurons

 

Allen was indeed distressed that much of the critical acclaim for Zelig focused on the technical achievements of the film. 

“To me, the technique was fine. I mean, it was fun to do, and it was a small accomplishment, but it was the content of the film that interested me." (Woody Allen on Woody Allen: In Conversation With Stig Bjorkman, Faber and Faber, London, 1994, p.141).

It is clear from published interviews that Allen’s impetus for making the film revolved around the theme of identity. “I wanted to make a comment with the film on the specific danger of abandoning one’s own true self, in an effort to be liked, not to make trouble, to fit in, and where that leads one in life," Allen said in that same interview. (Ibid, p. 141).

So much of the creative process is about uncertainty. Like a fog we must pass through, there’s a length of confusion that precedes originality. I think of this fog as initiatory in nature, turning back those who can’t withstand the uneasiness of not being able to see the horizon. But anyone who has passed through bewilderment enough times knows that the fog is really a sacred shroud, giving us refuge from the outside world so we can finally turn towards ourselves.

Shifting our allegiances from the outer to the inner life begins with a kind of clearing work. In order to discern our own voice from the collective (or what I like to call Other People’s Information), we need to have a clear container. Like draining a pool and discovering sediment and debris, our psyches can get cluttered with outer influences, and it takes patience and dedication to render it ready for new ideas. So much of the creative process is clearing this pool so we can discern what values, ideas, and instincts are native to our own experience. 

- Toko-pa Turner

muddle

now and then, life gets loud and washes over the mind to leave it blank, plain. during these times, i turn blind to the soulful things. there's dust, fog and thunder. everything seems to tumble in a muddle. deranged. unearthed. for weeks there's been a thunderstorm. where are the brakes to this vehicle? do the brakes work? did i break the brakes? 

please reduce the noise. there is too much noise all around. 

unjust judgement

 stumbling across ugly parts. 

i secretly admired the girl, but she got the job that i wanted. she is far more ambitious and has more skills. intimidation to the point of pain. a reflection i did not like. a strange defeat. i slowly accept, the heart opens, becomes lighter. my judgement was unjust. first and foremost, the girl is soulful.

silent entry of universe intimacy

no more of the smiles the mind thinks the mouth has to do, no more of the moves the mind thinks the body has to do, no more is the mind affected by the crowd, as the soul lays bare - this is you, fragile you, only the soul of you

unexpectedly came in, the soul, a silent entry

i suddenly feel how i felt as a toddler, as a child - overwhelmed by the world of existence / not by anybody, not by any people, but just by the existential feeling of existence

intimacy with the universe. intimate moments with big consciousness itself. i feel thrown into the world. it feels a bit cold and unhandy. i cannot do anything but exist. it is a miracle, forced upon me, but after a while, i got so incredibly fond of it. it took quite some time though for me to feel warm in the world. and now, the touch of an old feeling - of being thrown into this, a remembrance of how it felt then and a remembrance that I have still just been thrown - for the universe its a blip. i surrender, childlike, likewise any human of any age

yes, i surrender like a child to caring parents, such i surrender to existence

automode

 erlernte unkreativität

learned uncreativity

learned helplessness

learned rigidity, because it's tidy

petrified, paralyzed by thought streams only

all part of the automode 

existential  lifting the veil of automode , bare soul

More

I feel free

Free to be. 

More energy in me is more free.

How it is composed? I feel too free to think about it.

The days are so rewarding.

Gardeners and robbers

When you find a gardener for your soul you can be a gardener for you should let him into your garden. The trees will overflow with fruits you didn't even know of. 

If your rose beds are burned instead, you'll know he's a robber in disguise. Then hide your seeds and act like there's nothing left to burn. When safe, plant a new garden.

We're both like water. We don't know and haven't seen so many of each other's shapes yet, just their essence - partly because they haven't formed yet. The essence lays base for an amazing mix. Both of them contemplate each other, like good chemistry. What we formulate from this base is our creation. We are lucky for our base is highly suited for these matters. 

There's a yes in me, a yes to you, a yes to us, a yes to all our plans, our dreams and aspirations. You are my anchor and I want to be yours. The yes is swirling around you every day. It will touch down onto paper into interdependence, and it is free to stream from our veins into new yesses, yesses to life.

I learned to be on my own, now there is an us. And now I learn to be in us.

Today I was wriggling, trying to feel myself, but more so the world. All the tiny atoms, on a journey. Today my mind was out into another space, a weird space, from which it had to operate as if everything was like usual. // Or is it that, a part of my personality woke up in the morning and inhabited, no, claimed to be alive, too. I read about resonance and alienation and how both of them are essential to the human experience, all the while wishing to be in resonance. But today was a day for alienation. Maybe it was merely another part of me which the most of I had previously alienated from, and the disregarded atoms came back all in order, wanting to be heard. 

Lead yourself to the promised land. But the self is a flock of sheep, or maybe it is an ark full of different animals, rather. And you better look out for all of them, love all of them, and take them all by their little hands and walk them over there, through all the storms, make sure they are complete. They will live as long as you do, and so, you should integrate them well within a dense space. Keep them together, prevent yourself from hearing their - your - cries in the far distance, when a sheep gets lost or trampled over by your lead.