You can't

I dreamed of death. Death was in my arms. I whispered I love you. I saw death taking over what I loved. I had to accept. I didn't. I woke up in horror.
And then it didn't fade because I knew if things go on like that, I might soon see death, and it already is there. It comes slowly. It hurts.
I realize my nightmare is reality. Like the dream prepared me for reality. I begin to see that dreams are part of my reality. Not the first time I dreamed it. It wil haunt me until I finally don't have to dream it anymore. Whatever that means.

And you can't force people to make a turn if you love them - even when they are heading into personal hell. You see loved ones destroying themselves and sacrificing themselves in front of your eyes. You can't imagine how the world would look without them. First you'd only see darkness, I guess.

the fun

Sometimes you seem to fall and fall, and out of a sudden the world looks gray. It's because you have forgotten the dreams, the possibilities and the fun. On the surface, it seems hard, but behind all, remind yourself, behind the whole game of life, there is the fun of it.

Demian

Meine Geschichte ist nicht angenehm, sie ist nicht süß und harmonisch wie die erfundenen Geschichten, sie schmeckt nach Unsinn und Verwirrung, nach Wahnsinn und Traum wie das Leben aller Menschen, die sich nicht mehr belügen wollen.

Afterall

I feel a certain taste on my tongue. It's new. I know what a taste that is. It's fresh and old, the bitter flavour mixed with life and sadness. There is joy and a heaven's memory, a long sequence of time full of hope that is put to sleep. There is want, will and need, there is longing, a gentle breeze of summer and sea. Salt, sweat and beer. Cigarettes, the difference of alcohol. Disgusting wet hair. Hands of scars. Glowing suns and selfhatred. Manipulation, lies, sickness, death. Tiny bit of future and letting go. A bird with brightest wings with a complex because it believes in its incompetence of flying. A human, not a body, it's a human. A taste of goodbye. An afterall. New friends. An ending era. Deepest sorrow. Unspoken words, unlived realities, another love. Another story intertwining. Choked smiles, tears, trembling. Fears big enough to kill. Best wishes and stupid distances. Strong arms to leave. It's a frostic, metallic smell and taste. It intensifies when I inhale thorugh my nose, because then it sparkles on my tongue at a certain point. I still see the reflection on my face, in my features. He's there. Above all, there is knowing. That this was true and won't end or somebody dies, and even stil, even then.

Deep down

I can bury, but my subconscience rules.

I didn't say that it's ok. I said "I know."

It's not broken. It was just laid in a room to those things who need time and will probably never used again. It is a hopeful, naiive room with lots of dreams and wishes put on racks. Some of the things end up in closets. There they are the safest. I put yours in the closet. I hope no one finds it and rips it out. Because what consequences would that have. I feared it all along, and it happened in some tiny moments. Now it'll be permanent (I hope, it's not for too long), it intensifies. If I don't let it, I can't deal with it. The big part goes numb. And it's ok. It's ok.

It's all in your head

Break free, idiot! After a decade of trying, good job, but not good enough, go on, there are no chains. All the problems are in your head.

not without

Visit great places. Much harder than finding some money is finding the right people. Without friends your travels won't be what the're supposed to be. Without friends the world is so much darker.

Chucks

Chucks (I don't mean the nickname, I mean the animal) sleep when winter comes. It is very unfortunate that inside me there is a chuck that begins to feel like losing energy when winter comes and just wants to sleep. It's been years and always the same. It begins to get colder and chuck wants to climb in a huge bed and find it warm and cozy for the next three months. With the begin of February it is okay to slowly wake up, but in between, it's just much too cold. I already miss the warmth and feel the cold. I wish I'd be more of a wolf who stays warm in winter. Maybe I just need one to give me warmth every day. Maybe he's just too far right now. So I should find the sun somewhere else: Inside me.

Als ich ein Kind war, sagte man mir, dass Angst lebensnotwendig ist. Angst verhindert, dass man sich und anderen Schaden zufügt.
Zehn Jahre später lernte ich, dass Angst dazu (ver)führt, sehr sehr dumme Dinge zu tun und dass man damit sich und anderen Schaden zufügt.
Ich wage zu behaupten, dass ein denkender Mensch keine Angst braucht um zu überleben. Dass er im Gegenteil erst ohne Angst richtig leben würde.

Realisation

some time ago

Who are you?

Dear friend

I miss myself a little between all those creatures. There are some I am fond of and would like to hug. But sharing universe where love is. That's it.

Empty

I feel empty.

This is DNA in a certain phase. DNA is very small, but it seems endless. Depressing and wonderfull at the same time. This picture is as weird as you can feel weird. So lethargic that it could make me smile a little bit, although my smile won't untangle that mass of ravel.

Why do we feel empty. We're so full of that. Pathetic...

W

R

I

T

I

N

G

Mom?
There's a universe ready to explode in every one of us! Tragic: Half of humanity doesn't know it.

You

feels like you, f.

I SAW

I can't take my heart off you.

I wonder why we can't

I don't understand why you're doing what you're doing. I could understand if you told me. You leave me, literally, in the dark, while I feel that you are there, in the dark, too. Silly, two people in the dark, but alone. Don't be mad at me because I lose myself in speculations about you and me. They are the only thing that's left when we don't speak to each other. And I hate them. I hate speculation and I hate analysis, it destroys it all. Let's speak.

If I hurt you, then I hurt myself. Maybe it is because we two are candidates for feeling down and selfdestruction. Maybe my own words hurt me more than they hurt you, too.

We may both assume that the other one doesn't like our self anymore, or that the other one is fool, or that we ourselves are a fool. We may try to lose sight of the other one sometimes, just to find out if we're better that way. Maybe it is nothing about me. Maybe this whole thing is just about you.
What the hell is wrong.

How to shut up inside

My problem is thinking too much when I don't want. I don't neccessarily want to consciously think when I eat, when I ride my bike or when I wait for the next lesson in breaks. I sometimes just want to shut up outside and inside.

English has become my favourite thinking-blocker, because it collides with German.
Let your brain struggle with two languages you use like they both were your mothertongue.

It's mindfuck.

The strategy doesn't work if you don't want it to work, of course. Poorly, there are always some topics you can't stop thinking about because they are your sense of life. Don't shut them out. It's not worth it.

Trust life

Falling in love. I prepared to let him go. Then I let him go. There I had it: Lesson learned. Next thing to do: I measured, did I want to keep that status "independent"? Was this arrogance worth it? Did I want to give up? Did I want to distance myself from what I had just to keep myself from drowning? Otherwise, I could drown. There is a high risk of going under instead of swimming in your river.


Well, the question was: Did I want to stick to the surface? Or did I want to dive in?
I felt certain trust in life anyway. I had to change the principles.

Soulful

So you got emotional, hm?
So what?
World's end or what?
Love, boy! Life!

/by MCS

Love is not to be judged but trusted

I found love. How nice for me! Nobody wants to know.



It sounds crazy, but I am sure.We will be hurt. It is a normal thing to happen. The only question is if you accept that it is normal or if you drown in selfpity. I don't get anywhere judging whether what happens is good or bad, it just happens.

And there is trust all the way through. It is not the kind of trust you give somebody for not lying to you. It is another kind of trust. It is more basical. The trust that I was afraid to give has broken it's way free through all of my rigid ideals.

If I was there it would be fine

I got angry about imperfections. But my love hadn't become less through that, instead it had grown stronger.

If we would die, there only would be one thing left to say: How sorry I was for not being able to rule the world and make our souls one.

don't have a self-pity story. 
Your mind can kill. I won't kill.

Your decision

It is my decision to let myself feel what I feel;

I could kill it if I wanted
I could tear away what is deep inside
I could conceal
I could talk myself into disbelief,
I could tell myself I have imagined all this
I could deny everything

With some hand movements I could destroy hope, with a little inner work I could give it up. Because you kill from the inside.

But then I would kill my sense of life

There is the alternative. Accepting it all. Feel it all, not trying to supress anything. Swimming in the flowing, cold and warm river. Being ready to drown or get carried away with whatever, with the water, the fish, the snakes and the sun.
I have decided. I wonder if I really had a choice. But I think one always has.
Call me a masochist, but I want to feel. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad.

Somehow not ok

Somehow I am not ok
somehow I don't want to tell myself everything is ok
somehow I don't want to lie to myself

Sie bleiben

F R E U N D E
helfen dir über deinen Weg
weil sie ein Feuer in deiner Seele entfachen
weil du sie in dein Herz schließt
weil sie ihre Spuren hinterlassen
weil sie dich verändern, weil sie dich prägen
Sie werden ein Teil von dir
eine der wertvollsten
und wenn sie irgendwann nicht mehr an deiner Seite sind
dann bleiben sie in deinen Erinnerungen,
in deinem Gefühl,
und auch du kannst dir sicher sein
deine Freundschaft hat euch beide reifen lassen
und ihr werdet einander niemals vergessen.
Mehr Unsterblichkeit kann ein Mensch nicht erleben
Freundschaft ist irgendwo auch unbeschreiblich

The day was perfect
You somehow managed not to think about it
you keep yourself busy
and then it happens

your stomach cringes
your heart is a cramp
your lungs are frozen
and you fight the air in, breathing against the pain, how can breathing be so hard?

when you cry on the inside,
it's not less real than teardrops
it's much heavier if you can't let it go, can't let them out
there is practically nothing that you can do
you just watch
and you know you'll never forget, you'll always hope, you'll always love

T I M E
I count on time
I count on the lucky times
to live it up again
and again and again and again
I would have nothing against a forever

Keep my soul my head's not coming back.

Friendship and You

Dealing well with your own relationship?
It's the hardest thing to do, that's why many fail.