Your decision

It is my decision to let myself feel what I feel;

I could kill it if I wanted
I could tear away what is deep inside
I could conceal
I could talk myself into disbelief,
I could tell myself I have imagined all this
I could deny everything

With some hand movements I could destroy hope, with a little inner work I could give it up. Because you kill from the inside.

But then I would kill my sense of life

There is the alternative. Accepting it all. Feel it all, not trying to supress anything. Swimming in the flowing, cold and warm river. Being ready to drown or get carried away with whatever, with the water, the fish, the snakes and the sun.
I have decided. I wonder if I really had a choice. But I think one always has.
Call me a masochist, but I want to feel. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad.